Understanding Cutting and other Self-harming Behaviors


Young people today face a variety of challenges and problems that are puzzling to many parents, caregivers and other involved adults.  This population is much more susceptible to past trauma, peer pressures and other stressful everyday life issues than adults. A few have turned to or know someone who have used cutting themselves or other self-harming behaviors as a way to cope with their problems.  Cutting and other self-harming behaviors are only temporary solutions to feeling “better”, in fact, it is an attempt to numb or escape from emotional pain.  However, it is only a matter of time before the pain comes back and the cycle starts again.

Who self-harms?

The typical person who engage in self-harming behaviors are adolescent boys and girls (girls tend to self-harm more than boys).  Some as young as two years old are known to bite themselves, strike themselves or hit their heads against walls and floors.  Boys tend to act outward (punching and kicking walls, etc).  Girls tends to act inward (cutting, striking themselves, restrictive diets).

Items used in self-harming behaviors

A person who uses self-harming as a way to cope will use items that are available or some item that produces a particular feeling or mark . Theses items can be the following: disposable shaving razors, scissors, pieces of glass, scratching themselves with their fingernails, excessive picking of sores, pencil erasers, excessive tattooing, piercings and other body modifying procedures. The wounds can vary from superficial to deep cuts and abrasions.

Myths surrounding cutting and self-harming behaviors

People tend to shy away from talking about cutting and other means of self-harm because of the stigma that is associated with it. Here are some misconceptions about cutting and self-harming behaviors.

Myth: Someone self-harming is trying to kill themselves.

  • Fact: Although people do die from self-harm, these instances are accidental; in general, self-harmers do not want to die. In fact, self-injury may be a way of coping, of regaining control of pain in order to go on living.

Myth: People who self-injure are insane.

  • Fact: Those who self-harm are usually dealing with trauma, not mental health problems. There are exceptions, but by and large, they are probably trying to cope with problems in the only way they know how.

Myth: Injuring yourself is a cry for attention.

  • Fact: Friends, family, and even healthcare professionals may think that if you hurt yourself, you are seeking attention, but the painful truth is that people who self-harm generally try to hide what they are doing, rather than draw attention to it, because they feel ashamed and afraid.

Self-harm and your emotions

It is crucial for self-harmers and their families to understand their emotions and learn how to express themselves appropriately.  Understanding the underlying reasons why a person would engage in self-harming behaviors is an essential step toward healing.

Some reasons for Self-harming are:

a) Inflict self-punishment or self-hatred  – A self-harmer may have a childhood history of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse and erroneously blame themselves for it. Self-harm can be a way to punish oneself.

b) Self-Soothing  – A self-harmer may not know any other means to calm or escape intense emotions.

c) Help express feelings that cannot be put into words – Self-harm may be the only way they know how to display anger or deep sadness.

d) Gain control over your body – Self-harmers may imagine that hurting themselves will prevent something worse from happening.

e) Manage strong emotions. If a self-harmer is experiencing high stress, self-harm can temporarily calm their nerves (distraction from emotions).

f) Take your mind off of your emotional pain – Self-harmers may feel emotionally numb to past traumas and need a way to force themselves into feeling something.

Characteristics of self-injury

Since clothing can hide physical injuries and inner turmoil can be covered up by a seemingly calm disposition, self-injuries can be hard to detect. Due to deep shame and guilt, self-harmers often go to great lengths to keep their injuries a secret. As a family member or friend, it may be up to you to be on the lookout for the warning signs of self-harm and to talk to the person about getting help. Red flags for cutting or self-injury include:

  • Unexplained wounds – A self-harmer may have fresh or scars from cuts, bruises, or cigarette burns, usually on the wrists, arms, thighs or chest.
  • Indications of depression – Low mood, tearfulness, lack of motivation, or loss of energy can be signs of depression, which may lead to self-injury.
  • Frequent “accidents – Someone who self-harms may claim to be clumsy or have many mishaps, in order to explain any injuries.
  • Changes in eating habits – This could mean being secretive about eating, or unusual weight loss or gain, as eating disorders are often associated with self-harm.
  • Covering up - A person who self-injures may insist on wearing long sleeves or long pants, even in hot weather.

A self-harmer can help end this dangerous cycle by learning safer, more healing ways to deal with their problems. There are professionals who can provide treatment, and ways that can help.

Sons and their Mothers


From the very beginning, boys learn from their mothers’ important life lessons about themselves and how to trust others. The connection a son has with their mother instills a sense of safety, not fear, courage, not passivity and the need to protect a woman, not be dependent on her as another mother.   A loving mother can create a sense of safety and connection with her son.  This provides a boy with the confidence and motivation to explore the outside world.  A loving mother actually plays an integral role in helping a boy develop his masculinity.

A boy’s emotional development can become subdued due to an unhealthy mother’s neglect (abandonment), emotional incest (mom using the boy to meet her emotional needs) or being a domineering, critical parent. In the early years of a little boy’s life, he longs to explore, climb, jump, and run with friends, and yet, he also needs to stay in close proximity to other adults (especially mom) in order to feel secure and loved.

Some mothers have a tendency to believe that they should push their sons away emotionally or onto other men, boyfriends, etc. (substitute fathers) as a method of “toughening them up” or helping them “man up”, while they selfishly pursue their own agendas.  It is critical for a mother to have confidence in herself so her son has a positive view of her (opposite sex).  A boy absolutely gets his first impression of females from mom.

For some mothers, it is hard for them not to continue to “mother” him. She tends to struggle in seeing him as a young man and not “her little boy”. Some unhealthy mothers may sabotage his moving toward independence so he remains dependent on her so she continues to feel needed or “loved” by him.  For some moms the need to be controlling and overly involved in his life can send him the message that he is not capable of doing for himself.

By clinging too tightly this can create unnecessary power struggles, rebellious behaviors and even substance abuse (especially during his teenage years).  This unfortunately continues the cycle of dysfunction between mother and son. Some mothers will see their sons as defiant or argumentative when they express their own interest or ideas. A son’s desire to do things for himself, to be self-sufficient is a positive trait of masculinity and growth into manhood.

Some characteristics of men with poor relationships with their mothers early in their life include:

  • Low self confidence and poor self-esteem
  • Poor adult female relationships
  • Overt or suppressed anger or rage toward women
  • Continued dependency on females (adult sons look for “mom” in their wives and girlfriends)
  • Tend to struggle with pornography or substance abuse and objectify women.
  • These men tend to act as “children” seen as selfish or immature by other adults. (i.e. today’s video games are marketed to males ages 21-35. Twenty five years ago video games were marketed to males ages 11-18).

When a healthy mother creates a sense of belonging and acceptance in her son, she teaches him to be loving and empathetic.  He learns how to treat women, he knows how to establish boundaries with others, he learns to trust others and to face responsibilities and challenges of this world. He is taught to identify and express his emotions as well as making good decisions and to listen. A strong and loving relationship with a good mother can help a boy learn the skills of intimacy, communication and to support and respect for women in future relationships.

One of the ironies of parenting is that if you do your job as a mother, your son will eventually leave you to be the man God intended him to be. As parents, we are merely stewards of them, to teach, love and guide them with honesty, kindness, discipline and truth from the Word. We’re not meant to be their friends!

By stepping back to let him learn from his own experiences and his own mistakes, he matures and gains valuable understanding about himself, becomes confident and how to live responsibly and productively.


Divorce and the effects it has on children


I wanted to discuss the increasingly important topic of divorce and it’s impact on children. I have first hand experience regarding this issue. My parents divorced when I was 13 years old (I was the youngest of four boys).  I remember many conflicts that led up to the announcement.  I remember being relieved by their announcement, which is not a good thing. Many married couples looking at divorce tend to focus on themselves and neglect the children in the process. In counseling, there are very few problems that couples cannot work through if they truly are committed to their relationship and to their family’s overall well being. Below are some articles on the impact of divorce on the children.

Dr. Stephen Joseph stated in his article (published February 12, 2013), “Trauma of Divorce and its Effects on Children”,

“As a rule, people who get married don’t expect to get divorced. Sadly, we know that given time a substantial number of people will be unpleasantly surprised. Often the turmoil brews for several years before the decision to divorce is made. A factor, which many take into account, is the well being of their children.  In the past people have often decided to wait until the children are older thinking that a stable family home is important in the early years. Increasingly, however, this advice has been turned on its head with the message that children are better off out of an environment where the parents do not love each other.  I would emphasize that we must not underestimate the effects of divorce on young people.

In a study my colleagues and I conducted some years ago, we surveyed over 400 young people in their early teens. We asked them to answer a checklist of upsetting life-events. Life-threatening events and witnessing attacks were among the most common events. For those who had experienced such events there was a high prevalence of post-traumatic stress. But what surprised us was that parental separation or divorce was also a common event associated with post-traumatic stress. We found that 29% of boys and 39% of girls who reported that their parents had separated or divorced had high levels of post-traumatic stress.

While the results of any one study need to be treated with caution, the bottom line is that we should not underestimate the trauma of divorce on young people. If we love our children then whatever we decide to do has to be done with their welfare at heart. Young people need a sense of belonging, safety and security if they are to develop psychologically, spiritually and relationally. Our task must be to ensure they get their needs met whether the decision is to stay together or get divorced.

In her article, “The Effects Of Divorce On Children.”  Dr. Foulkes-Jamison wrote,“Boys and girls tend to react differently to their parents’ divorce. As a rule, girls tend to become anxious and withdrawn, while boys tend to become more aggressive and disobedient. Girls from divorced families may become sexually active earlier than girls from intact families. Interestingly, boys often adjust better when their mothers remarry, while girls have more difficulty. Children of divorced families tend to have long-term adjustment difficulties when there is ongoing conflict between their parents. Boys, in particular, are likely to display marked behavior problems when this exists. Children’s adjustment is also determined by the amount of conflict the parents had before the divorce.”

*Originally submitted 1/1/2001 and previously published in Gainesville Family Magazine


If you are currently in a marriage or in a relationship with significant issues, please seek out marriage/relationship counseling immediately. The problems will not go away on their own, many couples end up having children knowing the problems they are facing. This places those children at a disadvantage relative to other children raised in healthy households. Unfortunately we live in a society that will encourage couples to leave or avoid a problem in their marriage rather than understanding it, to quit instead of persevere through it or to pretend to others outside the family that everything is fine. Our society devalues family (i.e.uplifts the individual wants over community goals) or uses other dysfunctional relational arrangements as a substitute for true family structure and stability. This mentality destroys present families and compromises the future relational health of our children.

Addiction Defined


No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”                                  ~1 Cor. 10:13

Addiction Defined

Addiction is defined as obsessive thinking and a compulsive need for drugs, alcohol, food, pornography, gambling, behaviors, relationships (that’s right we can become addicted to people as well, it’s called Co-Dependency) and so on that ultimately result in negative consequences. Some of these negative consequences are: Strained or broken marriages or other relationships, financial problems, legal problems (DUI, tickets and/or arrests), job loss or in jeopardy of being fired due to poor performance or tardiness. No matter how you slice it, to the addicted person that substance, behavior or relationship becomes their idol and getting professional help becomes a must.

Deception of Addiction

For families with someone who struggles with addiction, it is crucial to understand that the addicted person sees life, relationships and themselves in a distorted way. The addicted person does not see themselves or their behaviors the same as a healthy person. That’s why we scratch our heads and ask ourselves “What was he/she thinking?”   In my book, From Here to Serenity: Unraveling the Mysteries of Yesterday and Today for a Better Tomorrow; I discuss the deception cycle of addiction in great detail to help the reader understand their role in the addicted person’s life and how to stop contributing to the dysfunction. It is vital for family and friends to be aware of the deceptive nature of addictive persons, so they are not manipulated and used in order to further enable their lifestyle.

The Disease of Addiction

Addiction is often characterized as the pursuit of pleasure (feeling good) as well as the avoidance of pain (escape feeling uncomfortable). Addiction is a disease for two primary reasons:  1) Degenerative (it gets worse) 2) Progressive (it will not stop on its own). Addiction includes the development of tolerance (the need for more of the substance in order to achieve the same feeling) combined with withdrawal symptoms (the body’s adverse reaction when the intake of the substance is stopped).  In addition to tolerance, an addict or alcoholic will experience intense physical cravings for the drug and an emotional obsession to take alcohol or drugs regardless of the consequences. In essence, it is too painful to face the pain of reality (once addiction sets in) and it becomes too painful to stop using the substance, behavior or person.  Addiction develops over time and usually begins with misuse, moving toward abuse and resulting in addiction.

Misuse – To alleviate emotional or physical pain, a person might experiment with drugs or alcohol. Alternatively, one may use drugs or alcohol in a social setting, and decide to try them again just to have fun. Relieved of feelings of discomfort, the person will continue to use drugs or alcohol a second time, a third time and so on (i.e. drinking to “take the edge off”).

Abuse – Soon the person increases use to maintain the desired effects of euphoria and escape from reality. The original problems are left unattended and/or unresolved. If the person didn’t have problems at the onset of use, problems have now been created as a result of the use. Constant attempts to satisfy the body’s cravings for drugs or alcohol become the person’s new reality. (i.e. marital problems create more stress and the need for escape).

Addiction – Great time and effort is spent acquiring the alcohol or drugs. After the addict or alcoholic is completely entrenched in the cycle of addiction, the health, financial, social and emotional consequences appear. The addict may just feel that they have been unlucky, or blame the consequences on others instead of their addiction. (i.e. self deception and the need to deceive others so they buy into the addicted person distorted reasoning and ways of coping).  At this stage, they use substances in order not to feel inadequate, physically sick or to avoid dealing with their current life condition.

For many individuals who struggle with substance abuse/addiction, it is just as important for families and friends to seek out advice and/or counseling in order to break the unhealthy dynamic that often forms around those who are addicted. By breaking this cycle, the addict is forced to see that “something is wrong” and may seek out help themselves.  Recovery from addiction is not only possible, but it is realistically achievable.  I didn’t say it will be easy, but what is in life?

 © 2014 Life Focus, Inc. All rights reserved


Anxiety in Children and Adolescents



Children and adolescents today are bombarded with information, choices, and parental and social pressures to be something that society sees as “success”. It is no wonder that anxiety disorders have become one of the most common mental health problems in children and adolescents. While teens to adults may experience occasional moments of anxiousness or worry about the future (which is normal), consistent anxiety in children can be a debilitating psychological condition that causes them to feel chronic, uncontrollable worrying over an extended period of time.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder involves excessive apprehension about a variety of situations on most days. Generalized anxiety disorder (also known as GAD) affects approximately 3 to 4 percent of children. There are several types of other anxiety disorders:

  • Social anxiety – fear of meeting new people or of embarrassing oneself in social situations.
  • Specific phobia – fear of objects such as spiders, snakes, etc. or of situations like public speaking or air travel.
  • Separation anxiety disorder – fear of separating from home or from a primary caregiver.
  • Panic disorder – unpredictable and repeated panic attacks unrelated to surrounding circumstances.
  • Obsessive-compulsive disorder – uncontrollable, repetitive, thoughts and fears, often accompanied by repetitive behaviors intended to prevent the fears from being realized.
  • Mutism is a persistent failure to speak in specific social situations (despite being physical ability to speak in other situations).

There are complex genetic and environmental factors involved in any anxiety disorder and it is possible for a person to have more than one anxiety disorder.

At home, children with GAD may have a combination of the below symptoms.

  • Six months or more of excessive worry and anxiety. Children may worry about school tasks and relationships, being on time, and following rules. These children tend to worry about receiving approval from parents and/or teachers.
  • Frequent self-doubting and or self-critical comments
  • Inability to stop the worry despite parental reassurance.
  • Physical problems including headaches, stomach aches, tiredness, and muscle tensions.
  • Persistent anxiety, chronic restlessness, difficulty focusing or relaxing (ADD/ADHD has similar symptoms as GAD and ADD/ADHD is often diagnosed before GAD is even looked into).
  • Irritability, which often increases with excessive worrying.
  • Sleeping problems may include waking up early, feeling tired, or trouble falling asleep or staying asleep.
  • Use of alcohol or drugs as a way to reduce anxiety.
  • Depression or thoughts of not wanting to be alive in some situations, children believe there is no hope of stopping their fears or worry.

At school, a child with GAD may have a combination of the below symptoms.

  • Excessive worry and anxiety about what others think and of school performance.
  • Repeatedly seeking their teachers’ approval.
  • Constant inability to explain or appropriately express worries or fears.
  • Inability to stop the worry.
  • Difficulty transitioning from home to school. Children bring problems from home to school (long and tearful morning drop-offs, or tearful episodes at school).
  • Refusal or reluctance to attend school.  A child may insist on staying at home (repeatedly faking an illness).
  • Avoidance of academic and peer activities.
  • Self-criticism and low self-esteem (a child will make negative comments about self)
  • Difficulties concentrating due to persistent worry, which may affect a variety of school activities such as following directions or paying attention.
  • Other conditions, such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), may also be present, compounding learning difficulties.
  • Other anxiety disorders, such as social phobia, separation anxiety, or panic disorder. Anxiety disorders.
  • Learning disorders may co-exist, if the child still has academic difficulty after symptoms are treated, a learning disorder should be considered. A child’s repeated reluctance to attend school may be an indicator of an undiagnosed learning disability.
  • Medication side effects. Medications may have mental, behavioral effects or physically uncomfortable side effects that interfere with school performance.

GAD is treatable.  These treatments include counseling, medications, and interventions at home and at school to reduce the source stress for the child. Open communication between a child’s family, school officials, and counseling professionals optimizes the care and quality of life for the child with anxiety.


© 2014 Life Focus, Inc. All rights reserved



Hello and Welcome!!!!


Welcome to the Life Focus, Inc. blog.  My name is Edward Clark.  I am a Licensed Professional Counselor and Certified Clinical Alcohol and Drug Counselor, in private practice in Alpharetta, GA.  I am also the author of “From Here to Serenity: Unraveling the Mysteries of Yesterday and Today for a Better Tomorrow”.

My passion is to help others resolve some of the “Life” issues they may be facing and ultimately help them identify and work through those issues, so they can positively “Focus” on other aspects of life.

This is a place where I will post, “Things To Ponder”.  Please feel free to comment, ask questions and share this blog with your friends and family.